Gardener’s World (by Gwilym Scourfield)



ALEX             No time like the present. Act on instinct, that’s me.

BEATY           Oh no, not your instinct again!

ALEX             Warm day, sap rising – good time to get out and do it.

BEATY           It?

ALEX             I so love a dense bush.

BEATY           Are you being naughty?

ALEX             Vigour, darling. Vigour. How does one stimulate vigour?

BEATY           In spring ? Hard to say, knowing how vigorous you are the year round.

ALEX             Now who’s being naughty?

BEATY           You started it.

ALEX             I did not.

BEATY           Everything gets back to sex with you.

ALEX             That’s not a complaint?

BEATY           An observation.

ALEX             Well, …(BEAT) This activity is strictly asexual. (BEAT) I can see the disappointment in your eyes.

BEATY           What are we doing then?

ALEX             Pruning.

BEATY           Ah, dangerous work!

ALEX             You mustn’t be afraid of small pricks.

BEATY           Was I ever?

ALEX             I’m surely the last man you should ask.

BEATY           Your modesty is overwhelming.

ALEX             We need to discipline our ramblers…..

BEATY           Well, if it comes down to discipline, Alex – you’re the man.

ALEX             …and multiply our new buds.

BEATY           I walked into that, didn’t I? You’re so sharp – you won’t need secateurs.

ALEX             “S e c a t e u r s” – Oh, say that again, Beaty, whilst I moisten my lips.




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