A Trial of Error
Judge How did/ you get a…?
Suez It’s an anagram of Zeus.
Judge Ah….. But you’re female!
Suez Now you tell me! Gods don’t do gender. I was ‘male’ all the years it was going well; but the minute you screw up…
Judge You know the charge?
Suez Yes. (BEAT) I didn’t wait. I should have waited…
Judge (Reading) …. Failed to pause sufficiently to consider the potentially catastrophic implications of creating a universe in which a single species… What did you call it? …
Suez Homo sapiens.
Judge Homo … That’s not Greek!
Suez Neither is Suez.
Judge … Homo Sapiens … should become the highest pinnacle of its evolution, leading to technical mastery over all other life forms. (BEAT) How do you plead?
Suez Guilty …. If you put it that way.
Judge Is there any other way?
Suez How should I know? They haven’t finished evolving yet!
Judge Any mitigating circumstances?
Suez What does that mean?
Judge …Why you didn’t wait until you had a better grasp of the situation.
Suez I suppose I was in a bit of a hurry.
Judge “A bit of a hurry”! You created sixty billion stars/…
Suez ..Sixty billion and seven!
Judge …Sixty billion and seven stars, a solar system perched perilously close to the side of one insignificant little galaxy which you choose to have dominated by an unsophisticated, barely mature animal species, and you say … ‘you were in a bit of a hurry’!
Suez There was a turtle planning a similar venture. Boils down to pride in the end. (BEAT) I would have waited if his egg hadn’t twitched.
Judge I see. Record that, clerk – “Intimidated into premature action by the twitching of a reptile egg”. (PAUSE) Is that why you started with all those ridiculous dinosaurs?
Suez Could be.
Judge Go on, admit it! Then you had to start all over again, buggering up the earth’s entire ecosystem in the process.
Suez It was an experiment.
Judge I see. Record that, clerk: “The omnipotent, almighty Madame Suez stooped to trial and error.” (BEAT) … and it all came from the big bang.
Suez Don’t flatter yourself. It wasn’t that big. Another MALE overstatement!
Judge I’m not talking about that nonsense with the swan. I mean at the beginning.
Suez No, you mean ‘before the beginning’.
Judge Linguistically, no – that’s true; we’re somewhat pre-language here. It took you twenty million years to get around to language.
Suez It couldn’t have been me, then!
Judge How do you figure that?
Suez Creation’s an idea. Ideas come from language. Ipso fact – no idea, no creation! (PAUSE) Not me then, Guv. (BEAT) Ask the woman in the bed
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